Drinking Jokes:
The Drunkness Scale
(This reminds me of Saturday nights out... )
0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.
3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.
7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Quotes
* Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
* I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's
as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra
* The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --
William Butler Yeats
* An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --
Ernest Hemingway
* You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin
* Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. -- Anonymous
* No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --
G.K. Chesterton
* Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella
* Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --
Ambrose Bierce
* Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -- Anonymous
* Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives
me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. --Ross Levy
* A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --
W.C. Fields
* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields
* Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. -- Anonymous
* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. -- David
Daye
* Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Oscar Wilde
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time
and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
* I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -- Tom Waits
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright
* When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep,
we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk,
and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke
* You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if
you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa
* Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out
of me. --Winston Churchill
* He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
* Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston
Churchill * Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
* Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
* If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot
out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
* The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
* I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
* An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
* All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this
and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson